Hi Friends,
I hope you were inspired by last week's look at the abundance that is all around you.This week I want to focus on a problem we women seem to have. Let's talk about it.
People pleasing - what does that actually mean?
A people pleaser finds it difficult to set boundaries and rarely dares to enter into conflict. Harmony seems to be the most important thing, and there is often a fear of being rejected or criticized if you stand up for yourself. Many people may think that this need for harmony is a good thing - who doesn't want to be liked and avoid conflict? But, here's the problem: in reality, you're often swallowing your own needs and suppressing what you really want to express.
Why people pleasing is often a reaction to trauma
People pleasing is no coincidence - it is a deeply rooted reaction to past experiences and traumas. Trauma here doesn't always mean a dramatic, one-off experience, but can also consist of many small moments where we have learned that we need to suppress our needs and desires in order to be accepted or safe. It's not necessarily about what happened to you, but rather about how you reacted to it and how these experiences were stored inside you.
There are four typical reaction patterns to trauma that we often adopt unconsciously:
Escape: Avoiding conflict and unpleasant situations.
Fight: Actively engaging in confrontations and defending yourself.
Freeze: Becoming unable to act in stressful situations and not knowing how to react.
People Pleasing: Fulfilling the expectations of others in order to avoid conflict and feeling “safe”.
Perhaps there was an experience in your past that taught you that it is easier and safer to please others than to give space to your own needs. Perhaps, you were afraid of being rejected or didn't want to disappoint others. But, this pattern of behavior that once helped you can now prevent you from truly standing up for yourself.
How you can dissolve people pleasing: Reparenting
One key to healing is reparenting, i.e. working with your inner child. This is where you use the right tools to go back to the experiences and injuries that have shaped you and that may be the reason why you keep falling into the people-pleasing pattern today. By taking care of these parts of yourself and giving them the attention they needed back then, you will gradually close the gaps left by this behavior.
When you start reparenting, you get the opportunity to see things from the past with different eyes and give them a new meaning. Suddenly, the big picture comes together and you realize why you keep getting caught in the same patterns. This is the moment when you start to build self-confidence and understand that you no longer have to conform in order to be loved or accepted.
An example of people pleasing in everyday life and how you can break through it
Imagine you've had a long day and a friend spontaneously asks you if you'd like to go out in the evening. You feel that you really need time for yourself today. But instead of saying “no,” you hear yourself agreeing: “Sure, I'd love to come along!” - even though you know deep down that it's not good for you. Why is that? Because there is a part of you that believes that you are only lovable if you please everyone and that is perhaps why you are afraid of disappointing your girlfriend.
Breaking this pattern starts by allowing yourself to be honest and stand up for yourself - without guilt. For example, you could say, “I've had a long day today and need some time to myself. Let's catch up soon when I have more energy.” It's not about justifying yourself or making excuses. It's about allowing yourself to feel and communicate your needs.
The downside of people pleasing
The negative consequence of people pleasing is often that you start to use excuses or even little white lies to get yourself out of situations. You might not just say, “I need time for myself today,” but invent a “good reason” why you have to cancel. The problem with this? Your subconscious gets the signal every time: “I can only be happy if I pretend to others or hide my true needs.” In this way, the people-pleasing pattern only becomes even more ingrained in you. Because if you constantly deny yourself and want to please everyone, you send yourself the message that your own wishes and boundaries are not important. This undermines your self-confidence in the long term and you lose your sense of what is actually good for you.
How to learn to stand up for yourself and let go of your people pleasingStart small and set clear, simple boundaries in your everyday life. It doesn't have to be dramatic or harsh - often a simple, honest “I'm afraid I'm not feeling well today” is enough. The more often you do this, the more confidence you will build in yourself and the easier it will be to give space to your own needs without fear of rejection. You realize that your self-worth doesn't depend on how many expectations you meet, but on being true to yourself. This path out of people pleasing means gradually regaining your own strength and confidence in yourself. It is the realization that you are enough, even if you don't meet all expectations. You gradually become the version of yourself that is brave enough to put yourself first - and that is the moment when you are truly free.
This weeks affirmation: I stand up for myself.
Isabelle
PS: Message me for a free consult to start moving toward a more confident you.
You are loved. Deeply loved. Loved beyond measure.
Until next time,
Isabelle
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